In 2019, Carrie’s 14-year-old child told her mother she wasn’t sure she was a girl.
“I love you, whoever you are. I’m here for you,” were Carrie’s words in response.
They attended a top-performing all-girls school in London.
Carrie (not her real name) says the school became heavily involved in her child’s development which turned the tables on her relationship with her child.
The school immediately began to refer to Carrie’s child by a male name and changed their pronouns to he/him at the child’s request.
“We were surprised that the school took this action without our consent, without involving us at all. No doctor had been consulted. No psychologist. Nobody.
“There had been no risk assessment. It just became a wonderful celebration and she was now a boy at an all-girls school.”
Carrie says she only realised when an email from the school regarding her “son” landed in her inbox.
“I called the school saying ‘Do you know what’s gone on here?’ And they said well, they use the new name and goes by he/him. It was just really a shock.”
Carrie says the school were difficult to work with but meetings between them became constructive.
But this was just the beginning of a similar tale to come with her child’s sixth form.
Be the first to get Breaking News
Install the Sky News app for free
‘I was seen as the risk’
In the first week, Carrie received an email asking her to top-up her son’s lunch money card.
She asked for this to be changed and had a meeting with the college’s designated safeguarding lead who claimed Carrie was a risk to her child.
“It came clear that I was seen as the risk. I was a safeguarding risk to my child and she was being safeguarded against me, which is just a dystopian feeling, because as a mother, any mother loves their child and will do anything to protect that child.
“Being told that you’re a risk to your own child is very destabilising and it’s also very destabilising for the child to be told as our daughter was that our home wasn’t safe, and that I was abusive.”
‘Four years of hell’
Carrie welcomes the guidance that teachers don’t have to address pupils by their chosen pronouns.
She believes this can have a snowball effect on the child.
Please use Chrome browser for a more accessible video player
“Once you agree with the child, that they’re in the wrong body, you agree to the names and pronouns, then it’s the breast binder, then it’s the puberty blockers, then it’s the cross-sex hormones, then it’s the surgery.
“I looked really hard for a middle ground. And there is no middle ground. And I think it’s my responsibility to uphold reality and it’s really not been fun.
“I’ve had four years of hell with three social services referrals.
“Friends have been horrible to me. It’s been terrible, but I know that in the longer term that’s four years of suffering for our entire family is better than decades of suffering that might result in us being led by the child in a decision she might come to regret.”
The draft document provided to headteachers today states that children, teachers or staff at a school should “not be required to adopt the use of preferred pronouns”.
Read more:
Headteacher says he’ll make his own policy on transgender issues
Transgender footballer quits after ‘rival teams refuse to play against her’
New guidance welcome but ‘includes exemptions’
Carrie believes the onus should not fall on the teachers’ shoulders to decide who is and isn’t exempt from the rules.
“I think it’s unfair to ask teachers to make decisions about children going through gender distress.
“I worry that the new guidance is not statutory. It’s not legally binding and it includes exemptions.
“The new guidance leaves the possibility of parents being a safeguarding risk, and it doesn’t mention any of the underlying conditions that I believe would be a safeguarding risk that a school would need to know about like autism, ADHD, trauma, sexual abuse or bullying.
“I come from a family of teachers, teachers are busy.
“I think they’re expected to do too much and pronouncing on a child’s identity and whether or not they should go on to receive life-changing or irreversible medical decisions, I think that is not fair.”
Carrie says her child is now enrolled at a new college and says their relationship is now positive.
